The Age Old Question . . .
The Age Old Question . . .
Sex????
Wait for marriage ?? Or do it ASAP ?!!!!!?
Let me go on the record and say that this is purely hypothetical and for research purposes only. Kathanda is not in any way slutty, but she does talk about herself in third person sometimes.
Everyone in our protestant/conservative upbringing has been insisting that "abstinence is the way" and "true love waits" and "fornication go to hell" etc. etc. etc. This mindset has always resulted in either one of two things::: People who get married really young just for the sake of sex, and instantly regret it. or People who have sex, and then lose their sense of self-worth, and live guilt-ridden lives. And all because that sadistic bastard who we like to call God, created our desires in exact opposition with his "laws" (((this is assuming that the evangelical/protestant/conservative interpretation of certain scriptures is correct. Who the hell knows))) Your all probably at home crossing yourself at my blasphemy, but take a moment to consider the situation. How archaic and idealistic is it to think that marriage makes any difference these days?? And what is marriage anyways? A piece of paper?? A tax right-off?? Shouldnt silly things like love, desire and commitment mean more than legalities?? And dont give me that "if they're in love why dont they just get married" bullshit. Marriage is some scary shit these days. More than half of marriages end in divorce, and almost all involve some kind of infidelity and general unhappiness. Before we go off on a bunny-trail about abolishing the whole idea of marriage (fucking good idea that it is) back to the original question.... Wait or ASAP? I would really like to hear some comments. Everyone has an opinion. Dont be put off by my angry exterior... I really want to know.
posted by Kathanda @ 7:04 PM
11 Comments:
I should be commenting anonymously, but here goes...
Very few good decisions are made from fear. I'm allowing that there might be some, but I can't think of any. But in case there are, I'll qualify that by saying there are NO good decisions based SOLELY on fear.
So if the only reason you're not having sex is because you're afraid:
--you'll get pregnant, or
--get AIDS or an STD, or
--you'll go to hell
then you're not really using your brain, are you? Let's rule out going to hell, because that's not going to happen. So the only real things to consider here are pregnancy or a communicable disease. These are legitimate fears. But shouldn't sex be a decision based on more than fear? Isn't it the Bible that says "perfect love eliminates fear?"
So why are there so many evangelical Christians making bad decisions about sex and marriage? Because they're afraid they'll lose their virginity before they get married?
What the hell is the big deal about virginity anyway? Other than Mary, I don't find anyone in the Bible being praised for it. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.
Having sex (making love, hopefully) is a big decision. When you make that decision, do it with a clear head and heart--take care of yourself emotionally and physically. But make the decision apart from fear. If the years of dogma mean you'll kill yourself on a daily basis over the guilt; don't do it. But if you care deeply about someone, make the decision with the good sense God gave you.
And if you decide it was the wrong decision, or a terrible sin (or that it's somehow worse than things the pious do on a daily basis--like lying, worshipping materialism, hating homosexuals), LET YOURSELF OFF THE HOOK.
I'm sooo getting fired.
Wow wow wow grendel's mom. why do you keep saying "you" ? Need I remind everyone that this is purely hypothetical.
But thats good advice all the same. I just realised that my angry rant didnt actually include my opinion on the subject, so here it goes:
Sex is extremely important and serious and not to be taken lightly. That being said, I have no idea whether or not it should be saved for marriage. Years of bible classes and chapel/church services have made me more and more confused about my spiritual views on the subject. I dont think anything is black and white anymore, ecspecially this. And anyone who claims to know exactly whats right for everyone, is fooling themselves. But may we all find peace with our personal decisions !
No worries, Kathanda. I was using the generic "you," simply because it's so bloody difficult to construct "one should/one shouldn't" sentences. It's the English teacher in me.
Here's a weird personal thing that's caused a conflict between my emotions, my faith, and my brain. 4 miscarriages. I had ectopic (tubal) pregnancies with each one. My doctor is convinced that the outcomes would have been exactly the same no matter what age I'd gotten pregnant at (so ppphhbbtt to all those self-righteous freaks who tell you not to wait "too long" to start your family). Soooo...
If I'd known this when I was younger, would it have made any difference in the celibacy/virginity/wait until marriage equation? I honestly don't know.
hmmm. Im about to make the most immature statement ever (and considering my blog, that says a lot) : That is soooo unfair !!!!!
And I say that with every winey teenage impulse that i have in me. Dont get too conceited =), but I think your a very strong person. Grendel is a lucky girl.
And all because that sadistic bastard who we like to call God, created our desires in exact opposition with his "laws"
No, He created us free. Add the effect of a sinful nature to the mix, and you get the apparent opposition between His laws and our desires.
And what is marriage anyways? A piece of paper?? A tax right-off?? Shouldnt silly things like love, desire and commitment mean more than legalities??
Marriage is a covenant relationship between a man, a woman and God intended to bless both people and glorify Him. I know that sounds "Christianese" but it's what the bible teaches Christians. But some have entered it for other reasons, no doubt why the divorce rate is so high.
Wait or ASAP?
How about "only if you meet someone as committed to marriage as you are"? Marriage is hard. The apostle Paul even tells Christians that it's better not to marry!
Yeah, but wasnt the apostle Paul gay..... seems like he would have something of a bias.. Im kidding Im kidding people calm down.. Thanks for your comment Pablo, but I have heard all this before. Many times actually and it just doesnt hold up to scrutiny any more. I know what the bible says, Ive read it cover to cover more times than anyone should, and each time it gets more and more confusing... I just cant take it literally anymore. Thanks again. I love the name Pablo.
Just wanted to mention one thing, and someone else already commented on your quote: God creating our desires in opposition to his laws... well you forget that God created sex. He designed it, and I'm sure that's why its so amazing. It started in the Garden of Eden, when he created Adam and Eve. So it is an excellent thing in that context!
And regarding both you and Pablo's statements about the apostle Paul and marriage, you may want to read the passages in the Bible for yourself to see what Paul really said, in context.
Ok so I was fishing through things and I found your blog, I am a friend of the english teacher and I have a few things to say about sex. I have had it. And I am not married. I was raised in an extremely christian conservative family. I am a christian. But that is not the reason why I think having sex with this guy was one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made. I loved him. With everything that I had. We knew each other inside and out, nothing was sacred. He was everything to me. And everything that was me was lost in the mix.
Sex brings a totally different dimension to the relationship. I mean at first it was sweet and endearing. He was so caring and careful. But then it all stopped. I gave everything I had to someone that after 8 months suddenly turned into a monster. I barely noticed, but everyone else did. I was hurt so I closed myself off to him and the only way he felt he could be close to me was by sleeping with me, even when I did not want to. And he knew I did not want to. It is one thing to sleep with some random pig of a guy, but to fall for a guy, give your body to him and then to have him treat you like garbage and the gift you gave him. The sex that I did not realize how important it was till after the relationship was over. Meant nothing but his own self gratification. Not necessarily in a physical way, but in an emotional way. It filled the lonliness he felt. But at my expense. I dont think I ever felt more alone than in his arms.
So if you want to have sex. Fine, but know that there are some things about it I do not think any of us will fully understand. To be able to say I am sleeping with this man because I love him and he is sleeping with me because he loves me. How can one ever know for sure? That is why I think the marriage thing is so important. Because he has said that he wants to spend the rest of his life to you, because that gift, the gift of giving your mortality over to each other. Sex after that would be so much more amazing. So free of any doubt or fears. True, the marriage may not last, but for that night and for that moment you believe it will and that counts for alot. The guy I am dating now is one of the sweetest guys I have ever met, he respects me like no one I have ever known. He actually has more self control than me. I love him so much. And I wish so much that I had saved this experience for him. That the love I have for him did not come with these scars, this baggage. That he could touch me and me not flinch because the memories of the past hurt. I am so scared that when I finally do get married and sleep with my husband, that I will not be able to let him. I am so trained to detache my emotions from physical touch. I mean it has been over a year and my hormones turn off completely almost every time he kisses me and it is all subconscious. I block him out.
So, if you think you are ready to have sex, ok. But be ready. Because whoever you spend the rest of your life with, you will have alot of things you carry into it that you may never realize are there until you are 10 years into the marriage and hate him for no reason that you can think of.
ok i am done I dont know if any of this made any sense, or is even applicable to anyone else. Just be careful and know that hormones are fleeting and when you find that you want to make love to the guy and it has nothing to do with your physical horniness is it ok to even consider it. I am sure you could come up with twenty million reasons to have sex. But I do not want to have sex with my boyfriend. Because I love him. And I dont want to do anything that could hurt him or us. That is more important than any of my pressing desires. I want the sex with him to be free of any fear or guilt or doubt. So that is the deal with virgenity. Because I wish I didnt have to live with this pain. I wish I could love like I had never been hurt. Virgenity is not a prize, it is not something to be worshipped. And I am sure God would love you no matter what. Virgenity is freedom. I know it does not feel like it right now, but trust me.
Grendel's mom makes a very important point: Fear is ALWAYS wrong! Whenever there's some slick, snake-oil-salesman "Holiness" (HELL-iness) preacher out there, I know the odds are pretty good he's got his hand in the till, his foot in his mouth, and his shlong someplace it shouldn't be IF he means what he says...which they most the time DON'T.
Most of what passes for religion is based on ego-trips and fear, not the Bible. I always suspected big religion was a house of cards. Jim FAKKEr and Jimmy "Swagger" proved that to me, and L. Craig FAKEindale was the last nail in the coffin. Jeremiah 17:5, folks. Preachers, read it and weep.
I'm honored to say "I never played the game", never banged the girls, got them pregnant and walked, because I grew up watching the consequences of lazy, dishonest irresponsible men, deacons that don't deac and elders that don't eld, and decided it ain't for me.
Your mileage may vary. I haven't walked a mile in your shoes, I'm not qualified to judge. There's only One good enough to do that, and I'll trust and wait for His judgement, because I know it'll be right.
But here's a question for you Dan: isn't sex considered part of the fall? We don't have any evidence that Adam and Eve had sex before the tree episode.
So if sex was given to us as part of the curse...where do we go from there?
Gosh, that would be a great discussion for my 12th grade. Maybe I can get KICKED out before I leave. :)
This comes back to Dan's comment above in reference to sex... "It started in the Garden of Eden, when he created Adam and Eve."
I hate to nit-pick... Uhm, that's not true. I love to nit-pick, especially on things that the Church touts that are definitely not (strictly-speaking) Biblical.
The church assumes that since the Bible didn't mention any other group of people that God created, that no other groups could possibly have been created by God, as He, the Creator of the entire Universe, did not have the power to create other groups. (HUH?!?!)
Which I find ironic, since when Cain left Adam and Eve, God gave him a special mark to protect him from "the others." If Adam and Eve and their kids were all the humans on the planet, couldn't he have married his sister without leaving the area? Or did he go to the land of Nod (wandering) to get an ape-lady?
In my assessment, she was a gentile (not of Adam's loins - GASP!!!), and in no way related to Adam and Eve, except for being created (like all things) by our Living God.
So, this begs the question - were Adam and the Eve the only people God created? No. Were people created before them. Yes - there's 200 to 400 Billion stars in this galaxy alone, and more galaxies than we can count.
Does this make the Bible wrong? No, of course not. It just means it's not the only viable text ever written that's useful, despite the churches' claim to the contrary.
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